Here is part II of my Pet Sound Hates. Oh, so help me God!!!
5. Continuous canned applause in game shows.
Presenter: Let's play Wheel of Torture!!
Canned Applause
Presenter: Here is your first contestant: Sally from Buckinghamshire
Canned Applause
Sally turns the Wheel
Canned Applause
Sally: I would like an S please
Canned Applause
Presenter: Yes! There is one S.
Canned Applause.
Sally turns the Wheel again
Canned Applause
Sally: I would like an R please
Canned Applause
Presenter: Yes! There are two R's
Canned Applause machine explodes from overload.
*ZAP!*
4. Speaking loudly on mobile phones.
This is something that I believe everybody hates. Among the various annoying mobile users I would distinguish two categories who are mobile exhibitionists:
a. The businessmen who make all their business plans in the morning rush hour so everybody knows they are important with phrases such as "Send me an email with the spreadsheet", "Sell, sell, SELL", "Could we move the meeting at 11:00?" and other crap like that.
b. The girl who describes her shenanigans of the drunken night to her friend with phrases such as "So I was completely hammered and then we went to this other club and HE was there and he bought me another drink and we went to his place and I was wearing my strappy sandals so I said 'In yer dreams mate' and he rang me today and wants to meet again and I'm like 'duh' and he said ...." and on and on and on and in the speed of a machine gun, laughing out loud and speaking so loudly that the whole train/bus has turned around and is looking at them. And for some reason they get angry if people listen to their stupid conversation.
I get such an immense pleasure when just one stop before my station we go into a huge tunnel for a minute and a half and these bozos start saying "Hello, hello?" and stare at their phones, because the reception disappears just before we reach the previous station. He he he he!!!
3. My noisy neighbours
After a tiring day at work and travel full of unbearable noises I come home to relax. Yeah, right.
I live in a block of flats and although most of the times it is very quiet, there is a devilish possibility that the noises may continue due to my noisy neighbours.
These consist of:
The 14-year-old girl right above me who just before midnight decides to crank up the karaoke machine and sing with her tone-deaf voice songs like "Bad Romance", "Papa Don't Preach", "Love Is All Around" and lo and behold "My Heart Will Go On".
Her parents have a fight almost every night while the daughter sings on Karaoke and sometimes the mother joins in after the fight to sing "I Will Survive"
On the flat next to the Karaoke Killers there is the crazy aerobics lady, who stomps on the floor while she thrusts her bum. I want to slip a note under her door and let her now that the 80's ended 20 years ago, do some Pilates, it's quieter.
There are occasional builders who will definitely ruin my days off at home.
There is a sculptor next door who bangs the chisel and the hammer, again during my days off when I try to relax.
I once started banging on the wall and shouted outside the window "STOP THE NOISE!" It stopped for about five minutes and then started again.
Oh, will I ever find peace and quiet?
2. Rap Crap and Hip-Hop Flop
Don't get me started....The charts are full of them, the bars play them, cars pass by with their speakers in full blast and the bass making the houses tremble and my nephew listens to them religiously and tells me off for not liking them. I think this music is full of stupid, horribly unmelodious, sample-filled, with lyrics full of swear words or words the artists invented to kill the English language, emetic videos, insulting titles (such as "F@#k the Police" by N.W.A.) and disgusting way to 'sing' erm... 'songs'.
And what's with the silly names of the artists? 2 Pac, Snoop Doggy Dog, Dizzee Rascal, Tinie Tempah, Mos Def, Dr. Dre, Ice-T, Jay-Z, T.I.... I, I, I!!!
And by the way, how dare they call this shit R'n'B? Rhythm and Blues is the purest kind of music, deriving from the late 40's with shinning stars such as Otis Redding, Chuck Berry, James Brown, Sam Cooke and Percy Sledge and also developed to be the best kind of music this earth has ever heard, the Motown music.
The crap that today's artists compose, or shall I say just "produce" and play should be called S'n'R (Shit and Rubbish).
I could go on and on about them but I will finish by saying that when back in 1979 Sugarhill Gang released Rappers Delight it was a novelty and the song had melody, great lyrics and it rocked!!! After the end of the 80's most of the stuff that rappers released have been and continue to be pure trash. This kind of insulting-our-ears music has made millionaires of the artist, producers (and their hos) and has created the gangsta culture which I also hate (although I have to admit that Gangsta's Paradise is a great song but I think that this may be attributed to the Stevie Wonder melody).
Honestly, if you want to see me become a nervous wreck play me any song of this genre. I have left parties of good friends because the dj started playing crap music.
1. Screaming children
And here we are at my number 1 pet sound hate. The otherwise adorable children who will scream from the moment they wake up until they go to bed.
You know the ones, you've all seen them and heard them. You are in a restaurant, on the train in the bus and there will be at least one screaming kid to ruin your day out. I'm not talking about a child talking, laughing, playing. These are sounds that are somewhat pleasurable to the ear if kept in a reasonable volume. I am talking about the moan, the scream, the cry, the I-will-make-you-regret-you-took-me-out-of-the-house shriek, which would make Mother Theresa become like King Herod.
Sometimes the child is the devil's spawn, and the poor parents can't do anything about it, but sometimes it's also the parents' fault, because they don't give a damn if their child is uncomfortable about something and cry.
I have numerous examples, because as it is I am so lucky that I will meet one or two lovely cherubs every day on my way to work and back, but I will give you the one I remember most vividly.
I was at work on my desk and there was a queue of customers. Second one was a mother with a girl of about 3 or 4 years old who was SCREAMING her lungs out as the mother had her standing and waiting in the line. I remember myself as a child, I hated standing up and walking long distances I was getting very tired (by the way I never screamed, I was an angel!) so I sort of sympathised with the little girl, but I couldn't stand her shrieks. The whole floor could hear her screaming and I thought the mother was being selfish and rude for allowing her daughter to be such a nuisance to everybody.
After I finished with my customer, who was tutting and sighing due to the fact that she couldn't hear herself think (none of us could), I immediately stood up from my desk and invited the woman with the daughter to come and sit in one of the other desks. Forgot to tell you, the friggin' woman was on the phone!!! (how could she hear?) So they sat down at the desk behind me and I gave the girl a paper and a pen to draw something and I also gave her one of our loyalty cards telling her that she could keep it and play with it. I think the girl just fell in love with me because she shut up immediately, she started to draw and play with the card and we never heard her little voice again until they left. So I believe the children need a bit of attention, a bit of manipulating in the good sense and a bit of love and understanding and they will be ok. It's not difficult and the parents will be making a huge favour to the rest of us who suffer by their angels' squeals.
My absolute nightmare is on the plane, it is by a rule that there would be at least one screaming child for the whole three and a half hours of my trip to Athens and back to London every summer. Rule!
Thank you Steve Jobs for the ipod!
Concluding, I have a double message: the top part I have to repeat to myself and the bottom part is for all the noisy, annoying people with their rap 'music', screaming children, mobile phones, chisels, clicks and bleeps, karaoke machines and extra crunchy crisps:
WHAT IS YOUR PET (SOUND) HATE?
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