Oh! The Humanity...

Time for a rant.
Rant for people who are so detached from real life that they don't know their own address.
Rant for people who are so filthy rich that they can't see beyond their perfect world.
Rant for people who think that us, honest workers who serve them, are their slaves and not real human beings.

I am talking of course about a category of customers who come, ruin my day and go back to their meaningless lives.

Case Study No 1: The Ignorant Billionaire.
Me: Hello, how can I help you today?
TIB: I would like to know how much I've got on my card
Me: Of course.  Could you please confirm your name and current address?
TIB: My name is XXXX.
Me: And your address?
TIB: Erm... which one? I have many...
Me: The one you submitted when you registered.
TIB: Switzerland?
Me: No
TIB: Monaco?
Me: No
TIB: Saudi Arabia?
Me: No. To help you, in the UK.
TIB: In Belgravia?
Me: Could you confirm your full address please?
TIB: .......................SW1
Me: Sorry madam, I need the full address
TIB: I don't remember! (irritated) I've got so many....!
Me: Could you please confirm your date of birth then?
TIB: I'm not going to tell you my date of birth!
Me: It's right there in front of me. For security reasons you need to confirm it.
TIB: (confirms D.O.B. behind gritted teeth) You shouldn't ask these questions.  they're private.
Me: Here is your balance madam. Anything else I can do for you today?
TIB: There, was that so difficult? Why do you ask all these questions?
Me: Because, how would you like if I would divulge this information to someone else? We have to make sure it is you that asks questions about this account.
TIB: Of course it's me? Who else would it be?
Me: :O :S :X  :) (jaw drops, frowns, says nothing, smiles...) Thank you! Have a lovely day!

Case Study 2: The Filthy Rich Complainer
Yesterday I was in charge of emails. We received an email from a customer, who in a nutshell (her email was five paragraphs!) said the following:
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing to complain that you sent me a statement on the 31/12/10 showing that I had 50000 points, giving me £500.  When I came to spend them last week, they were not there. If you don't rectify this mistake, I will never shop in your store again.


In which I replied:
Dear Madam
According to our records, you spent your points on the 1/1/11, one day after this statement was issued. You used them in the Ladieswear department for a transaction of £4,800. Sincerely....etc.


I mean, come on! If I had bought something for £4,800 in one transaction and used £500 off my loyalty points, I would remember it, right?  But some people are so filthy rich they don't care how much they spend and they don't even remember.

Case Study 3: The Ironic One
Some people don't realise that business have their own rules.  Our loyalty program is a little bit complicated and we remind our customers of the rules in every communication.  One of the rules is to bring in their receipts on the same day of purchase if they want their points added.  That's the rule, a bit harsh I know, but there are reasons behind it, but we are quite flexible and add receipts from all times, as long as they are from the same year.

A lady came to me today with receipts from 27th of December 2010.  That's not only a month ago, but from the previous year.  I mention it to the customer, I inform her that she now will be able to use the points the following year because she missed out on the automatic conversion of the points which happens at the end of the year and she gets all grumpy!
TIO: What? Next year? What sort of stupid program is that?
Me: thinking (It's the same one you signed for when you registered for our card. But do you ever read our communication? Do ya? No, of course you don't)
Don't worry, madam.  I will add them for you so you get your points. They will be added on to this year's points.

I complete the transaction, asking her how she's been, being polite, calm, smiley, professional.
At the end I thank her and she sort of thanks me with a grunt, and you know what she said?
"Thanks! You'll see me again next year!!!"

Meaning, "I'll do what I want, I will not follow your stupid rules and I will bust your balls for eternity".
Suits you, then. You're the one who would have to wait for a whole year to use her points.

And these are only 3 of the thousands of lovely custys we have every day. I have told my teammates that we should all gather our stories and write a book!

More to come, stay tuned.